Preparing an Anti-CV

I recently looked at my CV that I had prepared a year ago for my summer placements. I couldn't help laughing. Not that it was a bad CV (or maybe it was), I just found it to be quite funny - the power words, impressive numbers, perfect alignments, varying shades of black color, highlighted key words etc etc. Can’t I say what I wanted to say in my CV and still get a job? That’s when I came up with this idea of preparing an Anti-CV, a CV that would definitely get me nothing but satisfaction. It was fun preparing it. I thing you should try one too.

ANTI-CV of Thyagarajan Delli

Name : Thyagarajan Delli

(The only such name in the entire world, quite an achievement in itself)

Objective

Obviously, I need the job. I’m not very interested in making significant contributions to your firm. Nor am I interested in having an enriching and learning experience. I just want the f***king money. Do you have it?

Academic Achievements

• “Academic performance does not directly relate to a person’s potential”. So, you better shortlist me first to find out what kind of a person I’m. If you aren’t deceived by this point, then I don’t see how the following ones will help either. You can stop reading the CV here. But if you do believe in the above philosophy, please continue.
• Ideally, you shouldn’t care about my 10th, 12th or my undergrad marks and but unfortunately, they are my best performances.
• You should be more concerned about my MBA’s CGPA which fortunately is optional to disclose and I have exercised the ‘option’ (this point is enough to show my fin-D skills). It is not a good CGPA to put on a CV. But If I leave the field blank, you'll anyways deduce it that it is bad enough that I've ignored it intentionally. Chicken egg problem!
• Ability to clear CAT on the 4th attempt and after 2 years after I stopped preparing for the exam. So much for the perseverance.
• Soundly and snoringly slept on most lectures, but was caught only once during my entire time at IIML
• I’m currently a batch mate of Ramsaravana. If you don’t know him, I don’t wanna work in your firm.

Work experience

• Had an amazing manager who taught me more than what my MBA degree did (this is the only serious point in this CV)
• I did what I loved and I loved what I did
• International Experience: New York and all of Europe. I did work in these places. Job role : Backpacking
• I can put in a lot of technical terms here, but it would make you feel inferior to me. So, let me save your face.

Positions of responsibility

• Tamcom : Compiled Rajnikanth’s songs for Insti party on Dec 12th, 2009
• Danced on stage for ‘Nakka Mukka’ song with lungi, munda baniyan and shades
• Has been a good son to my parents, responsible brother to my brothers, caring friend to my friends and a honest citizen to my country. How more responsible could a person be? If you are expecting on the lines of NGO, social service, event organizations – I feel quite sad for your firm.

Remarkable achievements

• Completed one full season of 24 in less than 2 days which included lectures, quizzes and system dry runs!
• Did 17 night-outs in a span of 45 days
• Did more web programming in my MBA than I did in my computer science graduation
• Oh, I almost forgot -the own goal in the final of Sikander!

Special interests

• Girls, with special focus on the hotter ones
• Writing junk in my blog, but I would rather term it as ‘avid blogger’
• Music…. No, I don’t play an instrument!

PS : If you are impressed by this CV and wanna give me a job, I seriously doubt the way you run the business. Sorry boss, I'm not interested :-)